Speaker Listening Technique

When Tammy and I are in the middle of an “intense moment of fellowship”, we often take out a tool called the “speaker listener technique”. This tool facilitates understanding. I learned that technique from a book called: Fighting for your marriage.

“Over decades of research in our lab and others, one of the strongest findings is that how couples handle conflict tells a powerful story about how they will do in the future. Couples who handle their differences and conflict poorly, with put-downs and hostility and harsh views of one another, are the most likely to develop serious problems,” says the authors.

In the book the author’s give these rules about the technique.

1. Rules for both of you

The speaker has the floor. (I like to have an object in hand like a TV remote control. Imagine that is the microphone. Whoever has the mic, is the speaker.)
Share the floor (After one person feels understood they give the mic to other and then seek to understand the other person)
No problem solving

2. Rules for the speaker

Speak for yourself. Don’t mind-read.
Use "I feel..." statements. Don’t say, “You did…” Instead say, “I feel…”
Don’t go on and on.
Stop and let the listener paraphrase.

3. Rules for the listener

Paraphrase what you hear.
Don’t rebut. Focus on the speakers message (PAY ATTENTION).
"Seek first to understand then to be understood" (Steven Covey)

Good luck!