Fighting for your Marriage

12-5-07

Here are some key thoughts from a book I read a while back called: Fighting for Your Marriage!

1. The number one key to a strong relationship is mutual honor. “The simple reality is the most of us are least honoring to those we love the most.” (27)

2. Women tend to want to talk more; men tend to want to fight less. Women tend to want to deal with the conflict. Men tend to clam up (29).

3. Couples need a “no matter what” commitment. Couples will not work through major issues with out this. Because they are afraid it will ruin them. (35).

4. Why does one spouse tend to avoid the other? You start to associate pain with them not joy, so you want to avoid them (38).

5. Escalation is when a couple keeps responding negatively to each other and they up the ante each time.

6. Invalidation is when partner puts down the thoughts and feelings of another.

7. Say “Let’s do a replay” when a conversation has gone bad. Let’s start over.

8. “Confirmation bias”- we tend to hear and look for evidence that supports out opinions.

9. 96% of time how couples begin a conversation is how it will continue. “Gentle start” (61).

10. Women tend to see intimacy as verbal communication; men tend to see it as a shared activity.

11. You can tell what people want by listening to what they complain about.

12. Men look for ways to show your wife that you are concerned about how the relationship is going.

13. Why do people withdrawal? 1. They feel anxious about the topic 2. They feel less confident that any thing good will come about from it 3. We pull away from things we are not quite sure we can handle 4. In marriage drawing back has more to do with conflict then it does commitment

14. Don’t assume your partner is ready to listen just cause you are. ASK.

15. Don’t mind read. You think you know why they did or said something and you judge them based on that guess.

16. When you are talking about the past say: “I am not sure of what I said, but here is what I meant to say…here is what I wished now I would of said.”

17. “All couples have problems, and even the happiest couples don’t ever solve some of their key problems…Many partners believe there is something wrong with their marriage if they have problems that are not readily solvable. This belief can be very damaging to a relationship. One of the pathways to unhappiness and divorce lies not so much in having problems but in believing that there is something seriously wrong with your relationship because you have not solved all your problems” (153).

18. In working through conflict we either have the mindset that we are enemies or teammates.

19. “I want my husband to listen to me, not try and fix me.” #1 complaint of most women.

20. 70% of couples problems could be solved if they just took the time to understand one another.

21. We tend to make negative judgments about others motives.