The Wall Between us!

For the past week or so Tammy and I had been struggling in our relationship. We weren’t communicating. We had some areas of contention that we just couldn’t seem to get past. These differences weighed heavy on our hearts. And because we couldn’t seem to work through them, It was if their was an unseen wall was slowly being erected between us.

Now it wasn’t that we didn’t try and resolve the issues. We tried. But as we tried to communicate, we would respond impulsively. We would respond angrily. We would respond reactively. As a result, our communications weren’t making things better, but worse.

What do you do when you and your spouse can’t seem to communicate? What do you do when every conversation seems to end in a fight? What do you do when the walls of miscommunication seems to be growing thicker and thicker?

Well we both realized that we weren’t getting any way using the impulsive path. So we decided to take the inspired path. Instead of just jumping in the water, we looked for the rocks. We decided to deal with the knot in our relationship, not impulsively, but biblically.

What does the bible say about how to deal with knots in relationships? James 1:19 says: My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry…”

What does it say? Be quick to listen. Most of us in a heated moment aren’t quick to listen. We are quick to respond, defend, argue, and rebuke. We don’t listen with the intent to understand we listen with the intent to reply. We aren’t deeply listening; we are either speaking or waiting our turn to speak. As a result, understanding doesn’t take place, and the knot remains.

Be quick to listen. Be slow to speak. And be slow to become angry. Wow. I was doing the exact opposite. I was quick to become angry. Quick to speak. And slow to listen. No wonder why the knot remained.

So we decided to apply this principle to our knot. One person would share what was going on inside them. And the other person wouldn’t defend. They wouldn’t argue. They would listen and then when the other person was done talking they would say: If I understand you correctly, you are saying….” In other words, we did what Covey says: We sought first to understood the other person, and then we sought to be understood.

And let me tell you something. This is so so so hard. But let me tell you something: Yes, it is hard to listen deeply when you are mad at your spouse, but it is harder yet in the long run, not to. You think about that. Some of you, you and your spouse have had walls up for years, because you are more interested in being right then being happy. It’s hard to follow God’s principles, but it’s much, much harder not to.

This was hard. As Tammy was talking, I can’t tell you how many time that I wanted to jump in and start defending myself. “No, you are wrong. This is the way it is.”

I tried to the best of my ability to base my behavior, not on my feelings of the moment, but based on the principle of God’s word. I tried to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. And after 3 hours of understanding, guess what? The walls crumbled. The knot was untied. Before it, we wouldn’t even look at each other, afterwards we hugged and felt connected again.

Be Quick to Listen. Slow to speak. And slow to become angry!