Seek first to understand then to be understood!

In his book 7 Habits of Highly Effective people, Steven Covey taught me one of the most important principles I have ever learned: seek first to understand then to be understood.

Here are some key thoughts on that important principle:

1. Diagnose before you prescribe. The goal of empathetic listening is to deeply understand another from their frame of reference. Listen with the intent to understand not reply. Most people are either speaking or waiting to speak. They are not listening.

2. There are Five kinds of listening:
1. Ignoring
2. Pretending
3. Selective listening
4. Attentive listening- Listen to only words
5. Empathetic listening-listen with eyes and ears.

3. The essence of empathetic listening is not the you agree with the person. Instead, you deeply understand them from their frame of reference. You are seeking to understand the reality in another person’s head and heart.

4. There are 4 ways we usually respond to others:
1. We evaluate- We agree or disagree before we truly understand what they are saying
2. We advise-
3. We probe- Minatare shrink them
4. We interpret-

5. The essence of empathetic listening is: Rephrase content and reflect feeling. When we do this we give a person psychological air. We help them work through their own thoughts and feelings. It opens them up to a soul to soul talk.

6. When they are talking logically, rephrase content. When they are talking emotionally, reflect feeling.

7. “I am sorry, I just realized that I am not really trying to understand you, could we start again…”